


The Epic Highs and Lows of Feysand

by digorykirke



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas, Throne of Glass Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Enemies to Lovers, F/F, F/M, Found Family, I'm so sorry, M/M, Multiverse, drivers license by olivia rodrigo, i honestly don't know what's happening here, this was a joke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-16 02:55:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29569227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/digorykirke/pseuds/digorykirke
Summary: i'm so sorry
Relationships: Aelin Ashryver Galathynius | Celaena Sardothien/Amren, Aelin Ashryver Galathynius | Celaena Sardothien/Rowan Whitethorn, Aelin Ashryver Galathynius | Celaena Sardothien/The Suriel, Azriel/Tamlin, Cassian/Lonely Forever, Elain Archeron/Azriel, Feyre Archeron/Rhysand, Feyre Archeron/Tamlin, Lucien Vanserra/Tamlin, Nesta Archeron/Cassian, Nesta Archeron/Morrigan, Rhysand/Tamlin, Rhysand/The Suriel, Rowan Whitethorn/Amren, Tamlin/The Suriel
Comments: 6
Kudos: 15





	The Epic Highs and Lows of Feysand

The Suriel homophobically wandered through the empty forest, on his way to the Night Court. Since Feyre had left the Spring Court after Tamlin and Lucien, that blond bitch and his jackass ginger friend had made a mess of things.

The Suriel was not surprised about the redhead, knowing the age-old song that had been echoed throughout Prythian since the dawn of time:

_Gingers with their hair so red,_

_Gingers don’t like gingerbread._

_Gingers like to kiss their brothers,_

_Gingers are truly like no other._

He wondered why Feyre had been so surprised at how her relationship with Tamlin had turned out when it was fairly obvious that Tamlin’s heart belonged to another.

Tamlin, whose last name he didn’t remember, loved Lucien Vanserra.

The thought of it made The Suriel shudder with homophobia.

He continued to think of his walk, realizing that Tamlin was blond and Lucien was ginger, harkening back to a famous poem he had heard once, about a blond and ginger in love, and a famous verse in it:

_"You're my sister," he said finally, "My sister, my blood, my family. I should want to protect you"- he laughed soundlessly and without any humor- "to protect you from the sort of boys who want to do with you exactly what I want to do."_

Of course, Feyrat- _Feyre-_ The Suriel corrected himself, and the ginger didn’t know. How could they? It had been years ago.

But The Suriel was on his way to the Night Court, so he billowed his long cloak and took a bite out of a raw chicken. He had someone very important to speak to.

When the Suriel entered Velaris he hid behind a building making sure not to scare the residents. Of course, they probably already were _petrified_ of life in the city since Feyre and the High Lord had fucked in the sky with his unnatural bony bat wings.

The thought filled him with mindless terror and anger. 

If he were a resident of Velaris he would be scared too.

He let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding as he walked to Feyre and the High Lord’s home, one of the many they indulged in even though there were actual slums and poor people in Velaris that could use the help.

Then again, The Suriel hated poor people and he knew Feyre and the High Lord did too.

“Poor people are poor because they don’t work hard,” he muttered rolling his eyes, racistally of course, as he walked up to The High Lord’s front door, looking down as he adjusted his cloak.

“That’s exactly right,” he heard a voice say, and looked up to see the High Lord’s bright purple orbs looking into his own dark dark dark dark dark dark dark soulless orbs set in his pale pale pale pale pale pale skull as he cocked a grin.

The High Lord of the Night Court. _Rhysand._

_  
_ “Suriel, darling,” Rhysand purred like a fucking cat, “long time no see,”

And then they kissed and Rhysand’s wings flew out as they made out.

Feyre suddenly walked in with soup and then dropped it as she covered her eyes.

“You’re fucking _GAY?”_ Feyre shrieked, brimming with homophobia.

“Feyre, I promise I can explain!”

“No,” she said, while still being homophobic since she is a Sarah J. Maas self insert after all.

She composed her self, and suddenly broke into a power ballad:

[ to the tune of Drivers License by Olivia Rodrigo]

_I moved out of the Spring Court last week_

_Something I’d never thought about_

_To run off with some dude with purple orbs_

_Who gaslighted me and broke my arm_

_But tonight I fly through Velaris_

_With the stupid wings I grew on my back_

_And you’re probably with the Suriel_

_With his billowing cloak_

_He eats raw chickens_

_Which Rhysand looks like anyway_

_Yeah I left the inner circle_

_Crying because Rhysand’s with_

_The Suriel_

_And I know you tricked me and lied to me and even broke my arm_

_Rhysand is a jerk and SJM has a bat kink and I put it all in a song_

_‘Cause she thinks she’s feminist but she left me here with this jerk_

_When I should’ve been the dead icon that you all deserve_

_The Suriel looks like a dream_

_A nightmare to be exact_

_Rhysand is the absolute worst_

_He wants my sister to be dead_

_He has absolutely no morals_

_And has a really uncool name_

_And all the cans of the soup and eyes painted on the plain wall_

_In the cabin_

_Rhysand’s such a jerk and now nobody else is gonna stand it_

_Cause he and his glowing purple orbs and all his weird roaring_

_But everyone loves him because he is a white man and they think white is a synonym for attractive_

_Spring court, Night court_

_You’re off with the Suriel_

_With your purple orbs_

_His Black cloak_

_You’re leaving me alone here_

_You look like a senior_

_Who hits on freshman girls_

_And cheats on his girlfriend_

_Ooh_

_Fucked in the sky_

_You don’t care at all_

_About your citizens_

_In the slums_

_While you live in your four homes_

_You think you’re so much better_

_Than Tamlin but you’re just a jerk_

_Oooh_

_And I know we weren’t a healthy relationship at all and what will we do now_

_That Rhysand and Feyre can’t show teenage girls what the worst relationship in the world looks like_

_Together we convinced that being gaslit and bitten was normal_

_But now they’ll read new books and realize that we were both horrible_

_Yeah, they’ll read new books and they’ll realize that we were horrible._

Shocked at this sudden turn of events, which had turned this into a musical, the Suriel stepped back.

“ _Night court, spring court,”_ Rhysand hummed _, “you’re off with the Suriel,”_

Feyre glared at him.

“Kind of catchy,” Rhysand said shaking around like a chicken doing the spring chicken dance. The Suriel, who was very into eating raw chickens felt his mind go to a dark place.

The Suriel was so caught off guard he ran out of the front door.

“Suriel! Baby! Come back!” Rhysand yelled.

The Suriel ran all the way to the Spring Court where he ran into Tamlin and Lucien holding hands. They suddenly dropped them.

“What are you, fucking gay?” The Suriel snarled.

“No, no,” said Lucien, “We’re just holding hands like bros,”

“So true,” Tamlin added, “No homo but I would kiss Lucien right now,”

“Oh, my gods, bro, me too,” Lucien exclaimed turning to Tamlin. “But not in a gay way,”

  
“For sure, dude,” Tamlin said, and then they furiously made out.

By this time Rhysand had caught up with The Suriel, and Nesta and Cassian were there too along with a crying Feyre and Nesta who was consoling her. Cassian was there too, probably thinking something weird and horny and wondering if he should see a doctor about his leaky dick. Azriel and Elain were there and Azriel was probably being weird and horny too.

“I’d never treat you like this, Nesta,” Cassian declared to Nesta.

“I don’t want you, Cassian,” Nesta declared, “No matter how hard anyone tries to make me look like a heterosexual,”

And then Nesta and Mor ran off with each other to be cottagecore sapphics and being the sapphic couple we did not deserve but the only one we could have due to the shortage of female characters in ACOTAR who weren’t related to each other.

Meanwhile, Feyre, icon who should’ve stayed dead, finally freed from the confines of being written by Sarah J. Maas yelled at Tamlin.

“Can’t you turn into a wolf?” she yelled at Tamlin and then turned to Lucien, “You’re a fucking furry,”

“Hey, you tapped that first,” Lucien said to Feyre.

“Who wouldn’t?” said The Suriel, forgetting he was homophobic.

“So true,” said Azriel.

“For real,” Rhysand said.

Everyone looked at Rhysand, thinking one coherent thought in tandem. _Rhysand and Tamlin Enemies to Lovers Arc?_

Meanwhile, Amren showed up. “What’s going on here?”

“Rhysand is gay _and_ a furry!” Feyre shrieked. 

  
“Oh no,” said Elain, crying. She cried so much she suddenly died.

“I am not gay, Feyre,” Rhysand said, “I am a bicon,”

  
Feyre sobbed harder. Amren started to regret leaving her angel home place. She was thirsty for blood.

Lucien, an actual bicon, felt offended at Rhysand, and quickly became biphobic. 

Suddenly the sky opened up and a blond girl and a stupid white guy with pointy teeth fell out of the sky and comically landed on Rhysand, smashing him to bits.

“Wow,” said Tamlin. “Thanks for that,”

“No problem!” said the girl, “I’m Aelin and I’m here to colonize your lands!”

“That’s cool,” Feyre said, “as long as you’re not a furry,”

Aelin kept silent. “A fellow SJM insert?” she turned to Feyre, “how interesting?”

“Yes,” Feyre smiled at her.

“Too bad there can only be one,” Aelin said, immediately decking her and breaking her neck, “I’m the alpha,”

“So you _are_ a fucking furry,” Lucien said.

“Free blood!” Amren said, walking over to Fey rat and Reese’s Pieces’ dead bodies.

Rowan had been standing there in silence but now walked over to Amren. “I am leaving you Aelin,”

Aelin paled, “What?????”

“I am leaving you for Amren with her ‘Asian like skin’” Rowan declared.

“Asian-like skin?” Amren asked but then they furiously made out and she forgot her question.

“You can’t leave me for Amren!” Aelin screamed, “not if I leave you for Amren _FIRST_!”

And then she and Amren furiously made out. You will notice there is a lot of furiously making out in this story.

The Suriel, who had been standing in shock this entire time, felt the homophobia bubbling up. 

“Wait,” said Aelin looking the Suriel up and down seductively, “who are you????”

“They call me the Suriel but you can call me yours tonight,” The Suriel replied.

I assume you know what happens next.

Azriel died from the heterophobia rising in him.

Rowan took Amren’s hand and said, “Let’s leave,” and so they galloped away but not before Tamlin wedged a knife in his back.

“Damn these bitches are so annoying,” he said.

“Why did you do that?” Amren glared, and then she dropkicked Mr. Tampon. He promptly died.

Lucien started crying. 

“Bitch I’m a cow,” Aelin and the Suriel started singing Doja Cat’s hit song together.

“What?” said Lucien.

“Mooo,” Amren said, joining in.

_MOOOOOOOOOOO._

Sarah Janet Maas woke up in a cold sweat. She could not believe she had been dreaming about gay people. The thought of it made her want to projectile vomit all over her bat PJs.

She adjusted her fairy wings in the mirror. She always slept with them on. They matched the bat wings she made her husband wear during- well, I assume you know.

She sat down to write more of her new book _A Court of Racism and Homophobia._ ACORAH for short. 

She thought about adding people of color but the very thought made her nauseous. She got up from the desk.

She turned back to the bed and crawled back into the sheets when angry sixteen-year-olds from booktok flew into her room after having somehow ruined her million dollars writing career by pirating her books.

Sarah Janet ran in horror as they chased her down.

_“GASLIGHT!”_ one yelled out.

“ _GATEKEEPY!”_ added the other.

“ _GIRLBOSS!”_ added the last.

She ran outside her house and ran down the street but then she tripped and bonked her head on the ground and passed out.

She woke up Prythian with Lucien and Amren and Rowan and Aelin looking over her.

“Does she look like a furry to you?” Amren asked.

“Most definitely,” Lucien answered.

  
“Like recognizes like,” Aelin shrugged.

“Batfucker,” Rowan rolled his eyes.

“How did you know that?” Sarah gasped.

“What,” said Lucien, “That you’re a batfucker or a furry?”

“Both,” she said passing out again in Lucien’s arms.

“Damn,” said Aelin.

Then they dropped her and left her in the field as they all held hands and went to go colonize Prythian.

_THE END._


End file.
